Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
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*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder