My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
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Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
mom gave me mine for free
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
My dream job is getting paid to dream
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋