Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
You Might Also Like
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher