Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
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If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.