WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
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The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Don’t tell me what to do
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
no refunds
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.