wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
You Might Also Like
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!