Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
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[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good