@amishschool: Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying "keys" in case I thought they were llamas.
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@vonTraphaus: Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews) Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri.... (Read More)
@BuckyIsotope: Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing "The Real Slim Shady" over and over.
@pleatedjeans: Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
@Brampersandon_: *runs into wife on the way to see his mistress* Aww are those flowers for me? -Uh...yeah Is there a card too? *with a mouthful of paper* No