@amishschool: Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying "keys" in case I thought they were llamas.
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@Lexactly: The problem with seducing someone via text, is you sometimes end up wrapping your warm moth, or mother around his troubling clock
@tmoswole: To my English teachers who encouraged me to create magical works of literature as a boy. Here is my 3,007th Tweet. You can be proud.
@zachreinert03: Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought 'wow that's not safe' & at second glance thought 'wow that guy's on fire'
@ChrisScarlette: "just great, I've lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse" -A dinosaur, 66 million years ago