@amishschool: Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying "keys" in case I thought they were llamas.
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@RamblingMachine: I told my BF I dreamt he got me a ring for my birthday. Later, I found a wrapped box from him, with a book entitled "the meaning of dreams".
@1_swarthy_dude: [interview for waiter position] Manager: "So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?" Stegosaurus: "You're kidding me right?"
@moose_chocolate: For Easter, I will hide pieces of IKEA furniture all over the house and then have my kid assemble it. If she succeeds, she gets chocolate.
@TheRobCee: [labels account "18+"] [tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]