*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
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nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
New mindset, who dis?
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Buck naked
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers