GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
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Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!