[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
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My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
HERE’S MARKY
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
when someone rings the doorbell
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose