@TheBigBatman: Wife left a note on the fridge it says "It's not working, gone to my mom's" I opened it and opened a beer, it's cold, the fridge works fine?
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@EJGomez: [introducing you to my family] "this is my son Carson, my daughter Boatdaughter, & our dog Motorcyclepet"
@kumailn: "Count down to zero silently with your fingers and then do a fist pump." - SWAT manual on breaking down doors
@tvandjam: Wow, you're a Sagittarius?? That must mean you're trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
@SamGrittner: Whenever someone's robbing my house, I pretend I'm robbing it too then I make off with as much of my stuff as possible.