Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
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You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*