*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
You Might Also Like
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.