WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
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License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
lmfao
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.