Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
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“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.