Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
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If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Money is the root of all wealth
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….