Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
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Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs