Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
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At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.