WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
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Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Buying a well is money well spent.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5