[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
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Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit