*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
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My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.