*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
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Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try