me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
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funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
i baked you a cake
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]