wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
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*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
True
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.