wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
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I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming