wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
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My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
…..pretty much.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x