WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
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Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt