@BradBroaddus: Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
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@OneWonderWoman: A facebook friend posted, "I'm not ashamed of Jesus." It took every single ounce of my willpower not to reply, "Uh oh. What did he do now?"
@_ElvishPresley_: Priest: may God rest his soul *casket begins to lower* *I start clapping* *everyone looks at me* Me: sorry was that not the end of it
@Pro_Jones_: Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish! Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.