Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
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Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
How to draw a duck
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
🤣🤣🤣