WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
You Might Also Like
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies