WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
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6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH