Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
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I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
This woman is my idol. Free her.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.