*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
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I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]