I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
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When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
uncle dave has been through hell
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then