@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
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@_youhadonejob1: Think I'll pass.
@Skullcat: Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It's only 3 digits & he said it's only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
@GrantTanaka: there's a jehovah's witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
@netflix: DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie THEM: ok DA: Will Smith is one of the cops THEM: k DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc THEM: no that's crazy EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini #BRIGHTMovie
@TheMichaelRock: *leaves one cupcake in work kitchen* *watches live version of Hunger Games*
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