Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
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Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM