@SalmaElWardany1: Watching Grey's Anatomy teaches me that if I'm really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
@JohnnyCrash5: Friend: How come you didn't come to my babyshower?
Me: Oh I'm sorry but I passed away.
@PJTLynch: Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so...
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
@merican_ninjy: I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
@ClichedOut: [day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we'll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don't have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
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