@abbycohenwl: Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did

@DaddyJew: Your mom doesn't understand Your dad doesn't understand Your friends don't understand But french fries, french fries understand you

@mrfeelswildride: teenagers are like 'here to live well not to live long :)' yet shriek in terror when I appear before them in alleyways wielding a scythe

@chrisdowning: The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.

@UnFitz: I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.