WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
You Might Also Like
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
cause of death:
autopsy.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.