wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
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i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Van Gone
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Not now. I’m deglazing.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
crying
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer