BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
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[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.