WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
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How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.