Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
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Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.