WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
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“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
This classic never gets old . . .
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS