WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
You Might Also Like
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
They’re stuck in your pants?
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Twitter fine art
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event