*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
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One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.