WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
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Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I put the hot in psychotic.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
#ProTip
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
When you don’t understand how floors work
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy