WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
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texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing