My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
You Might Also Like
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms