Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
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murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
A double negative is a big no-no.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses