WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
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sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.