WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
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I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.