Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
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Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I forgot how to panic. Help
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
The Others (2001)
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”