In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
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I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”