wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
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This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out